


Cool Josh

by MagicQuill42



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Fake Dating, M/M, Monster Camp Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 21:14:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29496366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicQuill42/pseuds/MagicQuill42
Summary: Patton has had a big crush on his best friend Remus for the longest time, but he's not planning to make a move anytime soon. At least he wasn't.But when Remus needs him to pretend to be his boyfriend, what's a pining gay to do but pretend to be the boyfriend Remus told his dads he had?
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 6
Kudos: 33





	Cool Josh

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a short little fic based on one of my favorite routes in one of my favorite dating sims. I have shamelessly stolen its plot for TS fic and idc. <3 I worked on this all day instead of doing something that’s actually productive so please enjoy this utter cheesy nonsense. 
> 
> CW: fake dating, lying to loved ones, usual Remus amounts of sex jokes and eating non-foods, food, near tedious amounts of pining.

Remus and Patton made an odd pair. A fact which they both knew and were pretty content with. Sure, Remus’ tendency to blurt out whatever disgusting thought was on his mind sometimes made Patton a bit uncomfortable. And sure, Patton’s own tendency to regress back to the mindset of the strict church he’d been raised in drove Remus sometimes literally up the wall. But over the course of their friendship they’d found ways to work with it. To work around each other as well as with. They’d even managed to find activities they both liked!

Like their current favorite: going to the lake together so that Patton could feed the ducks and Remus could chuck rocks in the water. He called it “skipping” them, but Patton knew him well enough to know that was little more than formality.

“Careful not to hit the duckies!” Patton warned.

Remus turned back to throw a grin at him. “Aren’t I always?”

Patton snorted and shook his head in amusement. “Your goofy goober.”

“Only for you, sweet cheeks,” Remus laughed.

All at once, his face dropped, eyes pinned to a spot over the hill Patton was sitting on. Patton was about to turn around to look too when Remus started shouting, even louder than he originally had been.

“WOW! THAT WAS A REALLY FUNNY JOKE, COOL JOSH. MY ROMANCE PARTNER WHO I LOVE.”

Patton tilted his head to one side. “Re? What are you-”

“Oh so this is Cool Josh!” said a boisterous voice behind him.

Patton turned. Coming down the hill was a group of three men, all quite a bit older than Remus and himself. The one in the lead was practically a spitting image of Remus, though his hair and eyes were a much different color, and he was missing the blond streak Remus had given himself in a hair dye accident. The two behind him were much more sedate about traversing down the hill, both dressed in an all-black that contrasted the first’s all-white, but the one on the left choosing to accent with a bright blue tie as opposed to the yellow bow accenting his companion’s bowler cap.

“Remus, sweetie!” The Remus-but-add-twenty-years-look-a-like said cheerfully. “Sorry for dropping in, but we wanted to check in on you and talk about dinner at Aunt Eda’s this weekend. And lo and behold we find you with the Cool Josh we’ve heard so much about!”

Remus laughed, loud and nervous. “YUP. THIS IS COOL JOSH. SORRY BABE I KNOW YOU WANTED TO KEEP OUR RELATIONSHIP SECRET BUT I LOVE YOU SO MUCH THAT I KEPT GUSHING TO MY DADS BEFORE I COULD STOP. THAT IS TOTALLY WHAT HAPPENED AND NOT SOMETHING ELSE.”

The man- Remus’ dad- laughed loudly. “What a totally normal thing to say!”

The dad in yellow snorted a little and smiled at Remus. “We’re sorry to have interrupted but since you’re both here perhaps you could join us for a bit of brunch? With all the things our darling little boy has told us we’re rather eager to get to know you ourselves, Cool Josh. That is your preferred nickname, yes?”

Patton blinked. “Uhhh…”

“Now Janus you mustn’t judge,” The dad in blue said. “Nicknames have changed a great deal since we were young. The addition of the ‘cool’ moniker in front of his name is something that likely gives him a good deal of ‘clout’ among his peers.”

Patton blinked blankly at them. “…Um-”

“Ohmygod dads you’re so embarrassing.” Remus groaned. “Look, I’ll go to brunch with you, just- um- let me check with COOL JOSH HERE HAHA to see if he wants to come too. You know how much he values his privacy! Cause that’s what I told you!”

“Are you sure he’s the right match for you then, mister ‘overshares inconveniently?’“ The yellow dad laughed.

Patton was still trying to play catch up as Remus grabbed his wrist and pulled him out of earshot and behind a tree. He triple checked that his fathers couldn’t hear them before giving Patton the most apologetic eyes Patton had ever seen his friend wear.

“Okay so… Lucy I’ve got some s’plaining to do,” Remus said nervously.

“Yes please.” Patton said.

Remus winced. “Have I told you about my dads before?”

Patton shook his head.

“Okay so basically the rundown is: Janus and Logan were lawyers at two competing firms, right? Hated each other’s guts. Well Roman, an actor, gets into a spot of trouble, and he’s a super high-profile case too. Both firms want him to hire them so they set up this fake court where they present evidence to him about why they should be the ones to take his case. Each firm sends in their best guys, Janus, and Logan. And these two are so good that they would have practically vivisected each other if Roman hadn’t been laying the complements on thick to each of them the whole time. Over the course of this over-the-top-unnecessary court case Janus and Logan started dancing around each other until their eyes finally met and they realized they were totally and completely in love. They quit their firms and started their own, becoming the biggest and most formidable lawyers this side of the state line. A couple years later they married not only each other but the actor whose case helped them realize their feelings.”

Patton smiled a little. “Aw. That’s so sweet. Is that how your dads met?”

“Yes!” A whine exploded out of Remus and he buried his face in one hand. “They’re sweet and amazing and one day I want to have a love story just as epic and cool! So…”

“…So?”

Remus winced. “Well… Now that I’m living on my own we started sending snail mail to each other so I kinda… made up a boyfriend.”

“…Remus you didn’t.”

“I did.” Remus groaned. “I just wanted them to know they don’t have to worry about me finding someone. Especially since I’m… a little unpleasant.”

“Hey, don’t talk about yourself like that,” Patton chastised. “You’re perfectly lovely in your own way and any guy- made up or otherwise- would be lucky to have you!”

Remus smiled. “I’m glad you think that. Especially cause…” He tilted his head towards where his dads were.

Patton’s eyes widened. “Oh. Oh no.”

“Yeah. Please? No one knows me as well as you do and all the other gays I know are in relationships of their own! Or they’re Virgil and headed towards one with the soft, uwu-boy of his dreams. I may be an ass, but I don’t want to even look like I’m making someone cheat. So please? Please please please please PLEAAAAASE help me make my dads proud? We can even have a mutual breakup later where we part ways as friends, so it doesn’t have to happen forever just please please please?”

Patton took a deep breath. It wasn’t that he was worried about Remus’ dads finding out- though he was pretty worried about that. He wasn’t a good liar and he doubted he’d scrape by enough to fool two lawyers and an actor- that was all practically professional lying! No, he was much more worried about something else.

If he dated Remus for fake, there was a pretty high chance that Remus would find out Patton wanted to date him for real. But… wouldn’t it be fun? Just to get a taste of what he’d been craving since their friendship started gaining ground?

And even if he wasn’t… Remus was a friend in need. He never could turn down one of those.

He sighed and gave Remus a tired smile. “Okay. I’ll be Cool Josh.”

Remus cheered and wrapped Patton in a big hug. The kind of hug that Patton never wanted to be released from. And just like always, it was over way too fast.

Unlike always, though, they were running back towards Remus’ dads, who were looking at them expectantly.

“Brunch time!” Remus beamed.

“Yeah,” Patton smiled. “Sorry for all the privacy, I just… really, like knowing what I’m getting into.”

He laughed nervously but Remus’ dads seemed to accept that.

“With our darling baby boy as your romantic partner I can’t say I blame you!” the dad in white- Patton guessed that was Roman- said. “Though how you put up with his spontaneity I’d love to hear.”

“Personally, I’m more interested in how the two of you met,” The yellow dad said smoothly. “That’s bound to be an interesting story in and of itself.”

“Yes!” Roman exclaimed. “Regale us with your tale of romance as we head to the diner! Remus was so secretive of it, but he said you’re an excellent storyteller, Cool Josh.”

Patton took a second to shoot Remus a quick glare before pasting his pleasant smile back on. “Oh I don’t know about that. Rose-colored glasses and all that. But um… Sure! I can tell you.” He hesitated, masking desperately trying to think as waiting for the dads to lead them back to the car. “Well, if you want when we officially met that would have been at our school’s GSA. Drag night is Remus’ siren call, after all.”

The dad in blue snorted. “We’re aware. I don’t pretend to understand it, but we’re quite proud of how talented he is.”

Patton smiled warmly. “Yeah! I’m not as good at it so he really stood out. But uh… we didn’t start dating til… Til I needed a date to fool my parents!”

The dads stared at him and he watched the five stages of grief play across Remus’ face. Then the dad in yellow- Janus? - burst into laughter.

“Well!” He exclaimed merrily. “I certainly hope that worked out for you!”

Patton smiled, relief melting off him so palpably he was surprised the dad trio couldn’t feel it. “Yeah. It was just pretend at first, but it slowly became a lot more.”

“Well I’m glad they were so gullible then!” Roman said, opening the van door for his husbands to climb in. “Goodness knows if it was us we would have sniffed out your lies in a minute!”

Patton paled and saw sweat start forming on Remus’ brow.

“Oh?” Remus said with false levity. “That so?”

“Well as the kids would say ‘we ain’t no chumps,’” Blue dad- Logan???- said proudly. “I’m sure Remus told you we’re the top lawyers in the state. You don’t get to that point by being easily fooled. If you attempted to pull the wool over our eyes we would see right through it.”

“And we have a sort of method for dealing with liars of that nature,” Janus said, squeezing Logan’s hand. “Anyone who’s dating our son that we suspect may not be up to snuff is gently and firmly required to take a polygraph test. Just to be absolutely certain they love him as much as they claim. And anyone found to be lying?”

Roman cheerfully dragged his thumb across his neck, making a cutting sound. He hopped into the driver’s seat, clearly oblivious to the horrified young men he’d created.

‘So that’s where Remus gets it,’ Patton thought.

“Oh but you needn’t worry,” Janus said smoothly. “You’re clearly on the level, Cool Josh, so we needn’t be nearly so dramatic. Now come on in, you two! We’re rather eager to get going, you know. Not all of us will be young forever.”

Patton swallowed hard and got in the van. As soon as Remus was beside him he reached out and grabbed his hand.

“Re?” He hissed, hopefully low enough the dads wouldn’t hear. “Your parents are even scarier than you are.”

Remus snorted and squeezed his hand. “I know. Aren’t they cool?”

* * *

The rest of the trip to brunch went pretty okay. Remus’ dads basically flirted the whole time and seemed to take the quiet conversation between Remus and Patton as much of the same. In actuality they were trying to come up with fake past dates they’d been on. An endeavor they’d gotten hopelessly distracted from by trying to outdo each other. Remus would come up with something absolutely outlandish like “ice skating blindfolded and dinner mouth-folded!” and Patton would laugh hard enough that he just had to share the joy by coming with something even weirder! Top suggestions so far had been “yak milking and making a cheesecake from the yak milk” and “spying on other people through fake mirrors to get better ideas about dates.” Patton wasn’t sure how successful he’d been at muffling his laughter but seeing the spark of happiness in Remus’ eyes at each suppressed snort made it more than worth it.

Finally, they arrived at a quaint looking diner. It didn’t look like the sort of place big, busy lawyers would go to. And yet, when they all piled out of the van and stood together Patton couldn’t help but feel that they all… fit. They seemed at home here. Comfortable.

And when he was getting dragged inside, Patton kind of felt comfortable too.

At least until reality caught up with him.

They were all crammed into one booth, Remus’ dads on one side and the “happy couple” on the other. That in and of itself would have been fine- Patton always had been a bit of a cuddle bug- but then the waiter came over. And the dad trio started to order.

For each other.

“My beloved headache will have two fried eggs with bacon and toast, eggs on the runny side and ketchup on the side.” Janus said.

“My darling nerd will have a small stack of pancakes with strawberry syrup and a large tub of blueberry jam on the side, please.” Roman smiled at the increasingly bewildered waiter.

“And the light of my life will have a large plate of fries and your French omelet,” Logan said. “Don’t worry about putting it in front of the right person, we will sort it out when it arrives.”

The waiter shook their head a little and wrote it all down. Patton’s head was still spinning a bit.

“Wow,” He said.

“I know right?” Remus said, grinning. “They’re disgustingly cute and I wanna be just like them someday.”

“Ordering for someone shows that you know their taste well enough to guess what they’d like,” Janus said, smiling as he took Roman’s hand in his own. “I didn’t even think I liked omelets until I let Roman order for me and now there’s nothing I’d rather have for breakfast or brunch.”

“It’s a mark of knowledge about you’re partner,” Logan agreed.

The trio smiled at one another. And as the waiter turned to Patton he felt his stomach go a bit cold.

Oh. Oh boy. He was going to have to order for Remus.

He cleared his throat and put on a big smile. “Couldn’t agree more, sirs. That’s why- uh- my precious little possum here would like…”

He paused, the answer unhelpfully suppling itself in his mind. He didn’t want to say it. But if Remus’ parents were going to buy this then he had to sell it. And if there was one thing that would make them believe he’s Remus’ boyfriend it would be this.

He laughed a little. “Well… I know what his favorite thing to eat is, but it’s hardly appropriate to mention that in front of his parents. Not to mention he can’t have that til later anyway… once we get back to his place.”

He winked and Roman went absolutely scarlet. But as predicted, Janus and Remus both broke into laughter.

“Oh that’s our boy alright!” Janus crowed.

“Pa- Cool Josh I can’t believe you’d say that in public!” Remus cackled. “Really I’m a terrible influence on you! I’m so proud.”

Patton felt his face grow warm at the complement. He snuggled into Remus’ side (totally just for show) and smiled bashfully at the poor waiter.

“A salad please. All kinds of dressing and toppings, light on the lettuce.” He said.

Remus wrapped an arm around him, still giggling delightedly. “And my cute little bit of cheek here will take the biggest slice of chocolate cheesecake you can conceivably give to a single person.”

Patton giggled a little himself at that and shrugged at the trio of fathers. “Any food can be a breakfast food if you like sweets enough.”

Roman snorted at that. “Oh excellent. I agree wholeheartedly, though I admit you threw us for a loop there. You’re full of surprises, Cool Josh!”

“Thank you,” Patton smiled warmly at him. “You almost have to be to keep up with Rem here.”

“Oh don’t we know it,” Logan said dryly. “The arguments he formed when he was younger. Turns out being raised by lawyers will, to some degree, affect how well you can craft your own case. He tried once to convince me that mud pies were high enough in nutrients to be a substitute for the dinner I’d made. It was a well made one too, I was almost convinced before I came to my senses.”

Patton laughed. “Sounds like my little hellfire.”

He linked his and Remus’ hands together and crept closer to him. If this was what faking it was like… maybe he could pull this off after all.

* * *

There was no way in hell he was going to be able to pull this off.

Oh brunch went fine. Remus’ parents liked him a lot. So much, in fact, that they’d invited him and Remus to join them at the opera. Which was fine. Totally fine! Except that opera involved fancy clothes and Patton was fairly sure if he ever saw Remus actually cleaned up for once he would actually die.

“Patton, if you don’t calm down I will kill you before Remus gets the chance to,” Virgil deadpanned.

“But he’s so pretty!” Patton exclaimed, messing with his bowtie for the umpteenth time. “And that’s when he’s wearing cropped booty jeggings and his “Slut Life” shirt! What’s he gonna look like when he’s all fancy and dressed up?”

“Like a racoon in a suit now hold still.”

Virgil walked over and started fixing Patton’s tie. He was a little rough, but Patton had known Virgil long enough to know that was his way of expressing love. Sometimes. Well he was helping at least so Patton chose to take it as a sign of affection.

“There,” Virgil said finally. “Now you’re all ready for your Prince Charmless.”

Patton snorted but batted at Virgil’s shoulder playfully. “He’s plenty charming! In his own way… but even if he wasn’t I wouldn’t want him to be anything other than himself. Not for my sake anyway. Remus is perfect just the way he is, as far as I’m concerned.”

“That’s because you have a thing for strays,” Virgil gestured to himself with a small smile. “Case and point the best friend you don’t have a crush on.”

Patton threw a pillow at him. “Keep insulting my friend like that and I’m going to fight you, kiddo.”

Virgil laughed. He was about to retort when there was a knock on the door. The two looked over at it and Virgil smirked.

“There’s your Duke of Hazard,” He teased. “Go get em, popstar.”

Patton was so excited that he almost didn’t squeal in excitement over the dad-themed nickname. Almost.

He did sprint to the door before Remus knocked again, though. He opened it, smiling wide at the dight that greeted him.

Remus was dressed in a flashy green suit that was absolutely coated in glitter. It was sure to leave anything Remus touched equally coated and Patton mentally made the note to pick up more detergent to save his new special suit. Even though he’d go through a whole ocean of glitter for Remus.

Remus’ face was as gorgeous as ever, of course; a fact which he’d accentuated with just the barest touches of makeup. Highlighter on his cheekbones, black lipstick to match the open black button down beneath the suit jacket, and bruise colored eyeshadow that brought out the chocolate brown of his eyes. And… copious amounts of blush? Must be.

“I… wow,” Remus stammered. “Patton you look…”

“I’m not Patton,” He winked playfully. “I’m your boyfriend, Cool Josh. Remember?”

Remus blinked. Swallowed. And smiled widely.

“Right,” He said. “Cool Josh. How could I forget? Well, you ready, Cool Josh?”

“Your naming skills suck!” Virgil called from inside.

“Yeah, I’m ready!” Patton said. “Bye Virgil!”

“Bye!”

Patton closed the door behind him and offered Remus his arm. Then paused, Remus’ slicked back hair catching his eye. No… that wasn’t right. Bad look for him.

“Hang on,” Patton said.

He reached up and carded his hands through Remus’ hair, messing it up stroke by stroke. When he was all done Remus’ hair was a nice and proper mess. Just how it should be. He leaned back and smiled.

“Much better. You ready?”

Remus blinked at him in shock a few times before nodding and taking Patton’s arm.

“Yeah… yeah I’m ready.”

* * *

The opera itself (something about a sad, French, clown) went just fine. Patton almost managed to get away with not understanding any of it and just murmuring his silly version of events to Remus every now and then.

Almost.

“So Cool Josh!” Roman said as they left the theater. “Remus said that you’re a critic in a world of your own and you certainly seemed to have a lot of thoughts on the opera! I’d simply love to hear them!”

Patton felt all the color drain from his face. “I… oh. I- I don’t know if I could remember everything I said! It was mostly things that occurred to me in the moment.”

“Oh that’s fine. Just tell me what you thought of it as a whole,” Roman said, leaning forward eagerly. “You can tell a lot about a person based on their opinion on opera, you know.”

Patton swallowed. “Well… I guess… if I had to sum it up I’d say… it’s um- it was very… French. Very very French.”

Roman nodded sagely as if that was some wise, well thought comment. “Oh definitely. You wouldn’t get a show like that out of Germany! Not that there’s anything wrong with Germany, of course, but Parisians just have this perfect sense of romantic sadness and drama, you know?”

Patton nodded as if he actually knew the difference between the two.

“And not to mention the that the drama itself was practically so centered around the main character the stage almost had an axis!” Roman snorted. “Only the French, am I right, Cool Josh?”

Patton laughed. “Only the French.”

‘I guess.’ He thought.

Remus squeezed his arm reassuringly.

“Don’t worry,” He whispered. “You’re doing great. Practically knocking them dead.”

The tension in Patton’s stomach eased all at once and his smile felt a little more real. Remus really did just make everything better, huh?

* * *

Time kept passing. Double date after double date. After each one Patton felt a little bit more at ease with Remus’ dads. Sure, they had to keep up the charade and Patton had to be called by the wrong name, but he felt like they were really getting to know him! Even if it was under false pretenses. They were a lot of fun, too! Even if he wasn’t actually dating Remus.

As an added bonus, he was seeing a lot more of Remus, too! It wasn’t uncommon for him to swing by Virgil and Patton’s apartment. Sometimes to steal food and sometimes just to hang out under the guise of talking strategy. It was nice!

He just… really liked having Remus around. Was that so wrong?

“Pass me that coriander?” Patton asked.

Remus grabbed it and ran towards the other end of the kitchen. When he reached the doorway he turned back to Patton with a manic grin.

“Go long!” He shouted.

“Remus no that’s glass!” Patton shouted, though the laughter undercutting it took all bite out of his statement.

Remus’ grin turned roughish and he crossed back to Patton, handing him the necessary ingredient. “Aw, Patty I’d never really hurt you. You know that.”

Patton blushed a little and smiled at him. “Yeah. Doesn’t stop the five second heart attacks, though.”

“Nah… guess not.” Remus said, voice softening. “Hey so um… when do you wanna stage that breakup thing? I know I promised we would but it’s up to you so… I dunno.”

Patton’s face dropped. “…Oh. I guess… if we have to. Um. We don’t have to worry about it now, though.”

Remus gave him a strange look but before Patton could parse out it’s meaning Remus covered it with a big smile, wrapping him in a side hug.

“Right-o then! We’ll wait. Whenever you want.”

Patton swallowed and looked away from him. “Well we um… Do we… have to?”

“…What?”

Patton set down his stirring spoon and sighed. He turned, looking Remus full in the face.

“I can’t give you some cool, epic love story like you want,” He said softly. “But I can give you a warm, soft hug at the end of the day and a place to come home to. Maybe we’ll never have a law firm but… there’s a meteor shower this weekend that I think you’d like. If you wanna be my date to it. I… I’m no Cool Josh. But I hope you’ll find Just Patton a good enough placeholder?”

Remus stared at him for a heartbeat. Two. Three. Patton was ready to take it all back and ask how his acting was improving.

Then Remus grabbed his face and kissed him soundly on the lips.

“Patton,” He said, voice gravelly and low with passion. “You are so much better than a placeholder. And WAY better than some guy I made up. You’re YOU. And no fictional guy can hold a candle to that.”

Tears sprung to Patton’s eyes and he wrapped his arms around Remus’ waist, drawing him closer for another, longer kiss.

* * *

“…So you see, I kinda made up the whole Cool Josh thing. But now Patton and I want to date for real so we just wanted to start it with complete and total honesty.”

Patton swallowed, gripping Remus’ hand and bracing for the dads’ reactions.

“Oh we knew that.” Logan said.

Patton and Remus’ jaws went slack.

“You WHAT?”

“My sweet darling boy,” Roman said, face a mixture of exasperation and fondness. “You told us in your first letter that Cool Josh was a were-pelican. Patton here is a very sweet boy and very distinctly un-pelican-like.”

Remus facepalmed with a loud groan. “Shot myself in the foot right out of the gate!”

Patton giggled a little and rubbed his back before turning to the dad trio. “But if you already knew, why go along with it?”

“Well we thought it might be a learning experience for him,” Janus said with a smirk. “The drawbacks of putting your foot in your mouth.”

“Additionally we were able to conduct some research about fake-dating on the internet,” Logan said, adjusting his glasses smugly. “We were able to find a great deal of information and concluded that letting Remus traverse this path would lead to successful romantic endeavors. And we were correct! As evidenced by your presence here before us now.”

“Dads!” Remus said, exasperated. “You can’t base life decisions for me on FANFIC!”

“I thought it worked splendidly.” Janus said, sipping his tea.

“Sure Jan.” Roman kissed his husband’s knuckles. “Regardless of our motives, though, it did work out for the better! We’re cool dads. Hip with the times and all that.”

“I am begging you to stop talking.” Remus deadpanned.

“The point is,” Logan interrupted. “We support you regardless of your romantic choices. I know you feel like we set a high standard for romance, but that standard is self-imposed. We have never wanted you to be anyone but who you are or love anyone but who you choose. We love you, Remus. All we want is your happiness.”

Tears welled up in Remus’ eyes and he launched himself into his fathers’ arms. They held him tight, a love so pure and sweet that Patton couldn’t help but sit back and take it in.

Then Janus opened up his arms with a wry smile. “Well what are you waiting for ‘Cool Josh?’ You’re practically part of the family by now.”

Patton beamed and jumped into the hug. This family was quite possibly the best one he’d ever lied to.


End file.
